" I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes .Cigarettes didn't kill me-a bunch of non smokers kicked the crap out of me one night- I tried to run, they had more energy than I had. I tried to hide-They heard me wheezing. "
I've often wondered about Bill Hicks and just how important he was to the human race and to comedy especially. I particularly like the above. It demonstrates his best ability. To twist the lies we are told about things and make them into something funnt. Smoking will kill me-but i'll die anyway.
"Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight!See, I know you've employed some kind of eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke; let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble and send you hurtling back to reality – because you're dead too. And you know what doctors say: 'Shit, if only you'd smoked, we'd have the technology to help you. It's you people dying from nothing who are screwed.'"
Again, bursting the bubble of lies with acerbic humour and brilliant observation. Mostly people seem to gloss over that little fact there. Non-smokers die every day.
"But you know, it's hard to have a relationship in this business, man. It's gonna take a very special woman … or a bunch of average ones. Anyway, I was reading an article in the paper about Ted Bundy [the mass murderer] being on trial in Florida. In the article it said the courtroom was filled with women waiting to give him flowers, love letters and wedding fucking proposals … and I'm afraid to say that the first thing that entered my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' What am I doing wrong? I read another article, a woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Here's why: She married a fella. He's on death row. Why is he on death row? He killed 8 women … he has AIDS, and she's suing the state for rights of conjugal visits. And I'm afraid to say that the first thing that came to my head was: 'And I'm not getting laid.' OK, what exactly are you ladies looking for in a man here? They must have been heavy on the old sense of humour that you always talk about in your little women's polls. 'Ted Bundy, that old whip, he's hilarious. Some of the things Ted would do, he kills me. I overlooked the whole mass murder things 'cause he kept me in stitches.' It's just depressing. Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks, achey breaky fucking dick this guy is, Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals. You know, we're fucked up here. I tell you, Satan's gonna have no trouble taking over here 'cause all the women are gonna say: 'What a cute butt.' He's Satan. 'You don't know him like I do.' He's the Prince of Darkness. 'I can change him.' And I bet that's true, man. I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego. He'd rule the earth for a day, then we'd see him outside, mowing the lawn. 'Hey, aren't you Satan?' 'Shut up.' 'Oooh, Mr. Prince of Darkness, you forgot the edge back there.' 'SHUT UP.' You'll see him at the supermarket buying 'Tampons, aisle three …' 'Aren't you Satan?' 'SHUT UP.' 'You're pussy-whipped!' 'No, I'm Satan! GRRR!' 'You're not Prince of Darkness, you're Pussy-whipped of Darkness!'"
OH. MY. GOD.
Never in the history of human music, has anyone put on a show quite like that man, Morrissey. Simply awesome. Awesome. Ran through the good stuff off the new album ("You Have Killed Me" "At Last I Am Born" "I Will See You In Far Off Places" "Life Is A Pigsty" "In The Future When All's Well"), couple with the best 2 tracks off the previous album "You Are The Quarry" ("First Of The Gang To Die" "Irish Blood, English Heart" (which was his encore)) and, much to my vocal pleasure, some classic Smiths songs, including "How Soon Is Now?", most definitely my favourite Smiths song, "Girlfriend In A Coma", and "Still Ill". Just an amazing, amazing evening. Thanks to Cath, for coming along with me, and to all the people we met and saw, especially the drunk guy who rolled up in front of me and sang along with us during the last verse of "How Soon Is Now?". Just awesome.
Love Dodge xxx
Since last time i posted. Have definitely got over Arsenal's loss. Mainly cos Henry signed a new contract. HOORAY!
In other news, went out on Saturday night to see the rather wonderful Decemberists. Put on an awesome show, well supported by Howling Bells. Thanks to Tom and Alice for letting me come along. And to Viki for letting me stay on Saturday night. Sorry i kept you up most of the night. Not in that way, anyone who wasnt there.
Sundays are always dull. Especially when you're really tired. And need to do revision. Like i did . Still, Top Gear was funny.
And today was dull. ALthough i did sleep off my tiredness after saturday night.
Love Dodge xxx
ARGH! I cannot believe Arsenal lost. So frustrating. Held out with 10 men for the best part of 70 minutes only to be undone by a goal that was BLATANTLY offside. Dodge is not happy. Still, looks like old Theirry might be staying. Wouldn't be the wisest thing to do, calling potential future team mates a bunch of diving cheats. Accurate portrayal though, bunch of diving arseholes. You can't expect to be called the best team in the world if you're players don't at least try to stay on their feet when they're tackled. Henry put it well at the end "Maybe if I learned how to dive we could have won the game". Too right. The barca defenders kept hacking at him for the enter game. In the end, the referee lost us the game, as he repeatedly ignored extreme tackles from Barcelona players. In my opinion, they were lucky to end the game with 11 men on the pitch.
Rant status=over. for now.
And i'm rather pre-occupied with actually doing revision this year. unlike last years total doss. the problem i have is that revising the things that actually need revising, my languages, is so much harder than revising history and politics. any tips people? i really need to pin down my german. cos i wanna do it at oxford.
in other news, my bastard mother has only gone and organised some extra french tutoring for tomoro evening. starting 15 minutes before the champions league final!!!!! fucking useless woman!!! on the topic of the champions league, i am so nervous. i pledge right now though, if arsenal win, i will run the streets of wing naked.
Love Dodge xxx
I'm listenin to: Electro
Watching: The Mighty Boosh
Planning on: gettin a hair cut like noel fielding
